Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Stupid Homesick

I have a confession. 

I am homesick. Like stupid crazy homesick. 

Yep, thoughts of this grey place brings tears to my eyes. 

It hit me so hard today. The holidays are approaching and I bought my plane tickets home yesterday for winter break. I'm wondering if the reality that I will soon get to go home is making me miss it even more? I feel like I have been lonely for two years. Making new friends in Portland was so hard. And the second I did I up and moved again. Am I just absolutely insane? 

I've made friends here. I've joined things. I've kept busy. But I still don't feel like I completely fit in. I still feel incredibly lonely.

This love letter to Seattle probably explains better than I have everything there is to miss and why we love our dreary little city oh-so-much. 

"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to."
 - John Ed Pearce

Well maybe 25 is old, because I sure as heck wanted to go back tonight. I bawled nonstop on the 30 minute drive home tonight after run club. 

I miss the rain, the mountains and fleece lined spandex paired with flannel. {Let's be real - I miss fleece} I miss brunch, public transportation and hipsters. I miss wearing long pants. I miss wearing lulu everywhere, and it being ok that those are my "fancy" pants. I miss being able to walk into the Duch any night of the week, knowing I'll run into someone I know {and if I'm super lucky Al from Home Improvement!}. 

Richard Karn {aka Al} and me cheering on the Huskies at the Duch. 
I miss running Lake Union and stopping to the old men race their sailboats as the SLUT rambles by and the sea plans take off overhead. I wish my Posse Was on Broadway. I wish I could tell people I miss Dick's without them thinking I'm a pervert.

I miss the center of the Universe, complete with it's VW bug eating troll, Stalin statue and rocket ship. Not to mention post-beer pies. 

Don't even get me started on Vitamin R

I miss ferry rides to Bainbridge and trips to the coast for freezing, windswept nights on the beach. I miss tailgating and sterngating. I wish the football team would sing "I'm a Husky" one more time for me.

I miss Trader Joe's and 24 hour grocery stores that aren't WalMart. I miss daily farmers markets. 

I miss cafe hopping during midterms and finals week. Heck I even miss "real" Starbucks. 

The Original. 

I miss being able to bike all around the city without fearing for my life. I miss people who love the sun, a city that shuts down when its sunny and when it snows. I miss impromptu summer hikes and winter snow adventures.

Birthday hike circa 2010 to drink a Rainier in the presence of Mt. Rainier!

Oh yeah - hikes begin with inspirational quotes!

 I miss driving to cabins and karaoke at the Conway. I miss Canadian jokes. I miss being surrounded by the water. I miss the Jimi Hendrix statue on Broadway and the Kirk Cobain bench on Lake Washington Blvd.

 I miss good Pho and Thai food. I can't wait to eat salmon. and halibut. and crab cakes. I. I even miss the dykes on bikes and the naked summer solstice bike riders. I miss walking up the wrong Prius because there are so many red PriPri's in Seattle! I miss recycling. I miss running into people everywhere I go, I miss living in a huge small town. I miss living in a city where anything goes. A place where we embrace the bizarre. 

Seattle Waterfront

All this missing being said, I know that I will come to appreciate Florida. I already have. And I'm not disappointed with my decision. I've already had so many wonderful experiences and met so many interesting people. But I think I need to be more honest. I've been trying to fake it til I make it so much, that I haven't been honest with myself or those around me. Just because I have lined up a lot of activities and events doesn't mean I feel settled. And it doesn't mean I've made a home for myself yet in Tampa. After all a home is not where you live, but where the understand you. 

I'm afraid I don't feel completely understood. I fear that I'm not terribly significant to people down here. Maybe these fears are dramatic or unfounded, but they feel very real. I know it hasn't been very long that I have been in Tampa. Just over two months to be exact.  I'm doing to right things. I am joining activities. I am trying to stay positive and focus on why I am here. But I can't maintain the facade forever. I need to be honest sometimes and reach out to people when I need their help. Because people can't read my mind.  So it has to be up to me to voice my feelings and my needs to the people around me that I know are becoming my friends. It is going to be hard, but I am going to woman up and be more transparent. 

In the meantime I am going to dry my eyes as I watch one last video featuring the town of my dreams. 

xoxo Sweat&Sparkle

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