A while back I applied to an externship position and they asked us to use one word to describe ourselves. I asked the facebook world for their one word to describe me, I was curious if anyone used any of the worlds I thought of. One word struck me as highly appropriate:
{Busy}
I've always needed to be in a flurry of activity. Growing up I'd yearn for summer vacations, while my mom tried to warn and remind me how very much I actually hate having nothing to do. Inevitably summer would come and I'd wonder what I'd been so excited about. Camps, play dates, romps in the park. All were fun, but none lasted long enough or took up enough of my time to satisfy me.
As an adult I've played around with my schedule, always trying to find the right amount of activity to keep me satisfied without going insane. Heading into summer I thought I had found the perfect balance, but little did I know I was close to chewing off more than I could handle.
I learned a lot about priorities this summer. School hit me over the head with the reminder that graduate school, and becoming a speech and language pathologist is my very first priority. Everything else comes second. Despite school being first, I've been giving training the attention the number one priority deserved. Re-juggling my priorities was a painful challenge. Saying no, sleeping in, reading instead of running, all made me feel guilty. I also worried (stupidly) about being judged by my triathlete friends. I still worry about this.
Tears have stained the summer. I've broken down enough times in the pool to fill the damn thing. I knew I'd taken on a lot, but I didn't think it was enough to deserve the intense feelings I was having on a daily basis. But then I read Katie's post over at Run This Amazing Day and she talked about starting graduate school, then triathlon training. Serially. And the immense challenge the both posed. And then this year she moved from D.C. to Colorado. I realized, each one of those things was highlighted as unique stressful events in her life and I did them all at once.
{I didn't know how to handle all the shit my brain threw at me while I was throwing an unbelievable amount of shit at my body - Kaite, Run This Amazing Day}
Not only have I thrown an unbelievable amount of shit at my body, but over the course of the last year, I have also thrown a lot of shit at my brain. This year has been the loneliest, hardest, most thrilling, challenging and incredibly rewarding year of my life.
Just last year I set out from Portland, headed to Florida. On this day last year I spent the night in Missouri.
Just a year ago this was my ethos. There was no room to worry. I was committed and worrying would only bring me down. I was determined to enjoy Tampa, no matter what. Slowly, the worry has creeped back into my life. Maybe it's that just a year from now I'll be preparing to start my first real job, as a Speech Language Pathologist. Or maybe it's that worrying is hard to keep at bay. Either way, I'm ready to ditch the worry and embrace all the things that can and are going right!
And a lot is going right.
I finished my first year of graduate school, am kicking butt at this thesis thing, have an apartment to myself that I love, had a great race last weekend, have a two week trip home, wonderful friends and new special someone. Life is pretty wonderful.
Instead of driving into the unknown, today I got to drive across Florida to visit that special someone.
A little more excited than I was on this day last year!
So life is good. You can see the white stallion peeking out at you in the back of the pripri. We're racing this weekend on Amelia Island, a few weekends ago we decided I'm not the best spectator. Cheering and picture taking and being in the right spot is a lot harder than it looks! We'll see which I prefer on Saturday. It was kind of fun to cheer and wait in anticipation for someone!
So I'm going to spend the next year going easier on myself. I'll still be busy. There will surely still be tears. But I want to bite of manageable chunks and find success within those endeavors.
Can't wait to see what the year brings,
xoxo Sweat&Sparkle
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